Step 1
1. Go to the grocery store.2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.
Step 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
Step 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
Step 4
Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Step 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.
Step 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Step 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Step 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.
Step 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.
Step 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Step 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
So, here it goes:
I don't know who came up with this, but I found it mostly true and a really funny read. It got me to thinking about when we first found out I was pregnant with Macie. She was far from planned and we had a lot going on in such a short period of time. We definitely didn't have time for this checklist, but I do think it's a good checklist for those debating giving up their "all about me" life for a life of joy, happiness, messes, no vacations, and no sleep {possibly, for at least 2 years}.
We were in the middle of planning our wedding, I had already bought a wedding dress {I was praying that I didn't get a belly before the wedding}, and we were moving into the cute little house in Stephenville {that I wish we still lived in, oh the simple life}. We were so young and naive - not prepared for what was about to hit us!
Chris was responsible, finished college and landed a full-time job after graduation {thank goodness!} and I was busy living it up working at BINGO and hanging out with friends {and Chris when he got off work}. We were living a great, fun life, then BAM! here comes a baby. I was so scared to tell anyone because Heaven forbid a pregnancy BEFORE marriage. I only told my mom, aunt, {close} friends, and my SIL {poor Ashley had to carry around that big secret for a long time!}. We still didn't know what was about to hit us....
We had a beautiful wedding {my dress fit!}, went on our honeymoon {two months after}, and just lived life to the fullest. Chris was working and I quit my job because of the smoke {don't want second hand smoke for a precious baby}.
We're really lucky and have a great family that provided most everything we needed. I used my sister's baby bed and changing table and the rest was taken care of by our wonderful family. We found out that our precious bundle of joy was a GIRL!!! We still didn't know what was coming in a few short months.....
Months of going through lists of names, doctor appointments, a baby shower, stocking up on the things we {thought} we needed and a few things we actually needed, setting up a baby room {that was not once used for the baby}, and trying to rest as much as possible....then finally January 9, 2008, I was induced and January 10, 2008, we were graced with the presence of our little angel princess Macie Victoria on her due date. The happiest, proudest day of our lives. We were in the hospital two full nights after her birth, then sent home as a family of three.....with no idea what to do with a baby. We got the hang of things and figured it out as we went.
And it wasn't so bad, because now we are happily expecting Baby Pike #2 and we never had a checklist to prepare us for parenthood.
It wasn't easy, by any means, but everything happens for a reason and I love being a mommy, and more importantly a FAMILY, more than anything!
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