Macie and I are the same person. We butt heads constantly. We both love each other so much, but we just can't get along for long periods of time. I know she needs a LOT more attention than I am able to give her {lately}, and I feel terrible that I am not able to give it to her.
She gets frustrated with me, and I get frustrated with her. I am so so so sad to admit this. I mean, I'm her mom, I should be able to figure this out. I just can't.
I try everything. I'm nice, I'm mean, she'll get a spanking.
I expect a lot out of her {and I know I shouldn't, I'm working on that} because she has been so independent her whole life. She wants to do everything herself, but ever since Macklyn was born, that has changed a little lot.
I find her getting so angry and frustrated with little things, like putting the straw into the juice box. She won't even let me help her anymore and gets mad at me for asking to help.
Then comes the breakdowns -- when she has to leave somewhere and isn't ready. Tears flow and along with that comes screaming and flailing. I don't even want to go anywhere fun anymore because of this.
We have our good days and bad days. When it's good, it's really good and when it's bad, it's REALLY bad. I try my VERY hardest to stay calm, and for the most part I do, I just get so tired and exhausted from fighting her to do things {like clean her room ... or pick up her toys}.
I know Macie loves her sister, but now I wonder if I ruined her by giving her a sibling {that I just knew she needed}. Don't get me wrong, we wanted another baby, and love Macklyn to pieces and are so happy to have her. I'm just saying I feel like Macie thinks I just abandoned her or something.
Maybe we should have waited longer?
Macklyn has been very high maintenance. She doesn't really want anyone but me, and she has been sick a good portion of her short little life. No one really wants to keep her, so I'm with her 24/7 -- never any one-on-one time with Macie.
I think I am having a hard time with this just as much as Macie, she just makes her frustration well known. I understand what all is going wrong, I just have no idea what to do with it.
Sometimes I just wonder what in the heck I'm even doing.
I love that little girl so much, it hurts sometimes. I just want to be able to make my little girl happy again.
The terrible twos were cake compared to this.
Life - 1 Erin - 0
Well... I am crying.
ReplyDeleteI realize that she is older than Maddox so you are probably more wiser than I, but I am going to grace you with my opinion anyway and hopefully shed some new light for you.
The month before Maddox turned 2, he changed.
He went from this baby who rarely cried, who would smile and laugh at a masked murderer and who slept all night into a terrible, terrible, terrible baby.
I remember one day spanking him in the bathroom at Micheal's and talking to him so inappropriately that I am still sick with myself when I think about it.
I sat on the floor in that bathroom, crying and begging God to change me. To change him... I really wasn't sure... just give me change.
He didn't.
We went to his 2 year appointment, and I sat through the entire thing in tears.
My pedi told me everything I was doing wrong, and her ideas to fix the situation did not seem like a good ideas for us.
(ie: ignore his fit and once he stopped crying, sit him in a chair and hold him in it by crouching behind the chair and using my arms as a seatbelt for 2 minutes. NO. Not going to work. We were spending 45 minutes in tears sometimes, and there was no way in hell that I was going to re-start that mess once the tears stopped by restraining him.)
She told me of some books to read and better strategies of handling him...
I left that visit and cried and cried and cried.
I had failed.
I was not a good mom.
I was not good for Maddox.
One night soon thereafter, I worked with a dr whom I rarely ever work with.
We were slow and I started talking to her about what I had been going through.
And of course I started crying.
She told me that she went through the exact same thing and one day it just hit her.
I can't be those people in those books.
I am not calm.
He will see straight through me and probably press me harder to see if he could break the real me out...
She said, "You know. I do all things BIG. I get the most mad, the most annoyed, the most frustrated... but I love big too. There is no doubt by my kids that I am their biggest fan. I am the first to hug, to kiss, to encourage and to praise."
She told me that I was going through what every parent does and to keep being me.
Love him big and discipline him big... but just be me.
An she promised me that it would eventually pass.
ANd that's what I needed to hear.
I couldn't change me.
And I honestly can't change him.
kids go through stages and we react.
(and there are days we still snowball off of each other)
His episode at 2 only lasted a little over a month, and then he went through it again when he was almost 3. (coincidentally the same time we became a family of 4)
Already Beckham has had 2 periods where I was positive he had changed forever and I would never get him back (in Florida and he is going through a stage now)
Actually, he is crying in his crib as I am typing because we needed a time out from eachother!
I have days, just like you are having where I feel like I am failing them.
Like I am disciplining so much that I am chipping away at their happiness.
Or that I am not giving them enough attention between cleaning, cooking, FB, blogger, work, school... that they are being short-changed.
That's what we do.
We tear ourselves down... when there is so much to be said for all that we are to them and all that we do!
You are a great mom...
I didn't mean to high-jack your comments with my own blog but I know how you are feeling and you are doing everything right!
Hang in there... THIS TOO SHALL PASS!! <3
Y'all are two of the best moms I know!! <3---------love ya, lolli
ReplyDelete